My heart is like a ship upon the sea. Tossed to and fro. But down below, where no one can see. My anchor is deep. (written originally by Matty Ray) This lyric really does well to desribe how I've been the last 24 hours. One day, I'm a proud new papa, the next my son is almost dead on a table in the CICU at Arnold Palmer. I am so grateful for all these doctors and nurses that have been working so hard to keep my little boy alive. I used to have a thing against doctors. I was very angry at them becasue for a big part of my childhood I was hospitalized for mental health issues and I was treated as a guinea pig by many of these doctors. They put me on this drug and that drug. I remember this on doctor set a date for me to go home from this one hospital (I've been in 3 in my lifetime) and on the day I was scheduled to leave, hours before my parents were to come and bring me home. This doctor made the call to keep me another 3 months. This experience and many others like it have left a bitter taste in my mouth towards them.
My experience here in this hospital with this staff has really done a lot to help change the image I've had in my head of doctors and nurses. I am very greatful for them as they are keeping my boy alive. If it weren't for them. My son would have surely perished. I know that his life is in the hands of our Saviour and I also know that he deals with us in a wholistic manner. Very rarley have I found Him to be one to isolate an issue but rather when He works on us, He works on the whole person. He is using this experience to heal alot of hurts I've had towards doctors, nurses and those in the medical proffesion. It fells good to know that God is in control and making all things work together for my good.
The first emotion I felt when I knew that my boy was in trouble was helplessness and overwhelming awareness of my lack of faith and ability to fix the situation. It lead me right to my knees. Nothing will humble a man faster than to see his son suffering to the point of death. It is at this point where I reallized that I am sureley not alone. That My Heavenly Father knows whats it's like to see His beloved son suffering and at the point of death. In this place of agony and uncertainty I am to the place where I feel so close to the heart of God. He is blessing me to be able to feel some of what He felt when He sent His own Son into the world to suffer and die on behalf of a dirty scumbag like me. I can be comforted that I am not alone. I can feel assured of His Love. That it is so much greater than any Love I've ever known when I ask myself if I would honestly put my son through this for the Love of another human being. I am being blessed to fellowship with Christ through suffering. I am comforted that He has found me worthy to cry with Him. One of my many laments is that there a possiblity that I may lose my son without even getting a chance to know what he is like or really interact wiht him. In this same way I am lamenting wiht Christ ans there are many who will die today and do not know Him. I can feel a real sense of the pain that He must be perpetually experienceing in His eternal work of intercession for the human race. I am blessed to have a God that is not unfamiliar with suffering but is well aquainted with greif and a man of sorrows.
I am blessed in that I am gaining an ever deeper assurance of His Love for me as well as His power to act upon The Burning fire of Love in His heart for me and for my son in this dark hour. There is a very real darkness but an ever increasing glow as the the fire of Divine Love is being breathed upon by The Holy Spirit.
My sons name is Asher Amos. It means in Hebrew Happy; Blessed Burdened or burden bearer. The Lord spoke to me before He was born and otld me that Asher would be an intercessor or a burden bearer. One who would stand in the gap. I am seeing that He is surely showing me what it means to truly be an intercessor. So far since this little warrior has been in the hospital, I've heard of people praying that have not prayed in a long time. I hear of people having prayer meetings on Asher's behalf for 6 hours plus all around the world. This little man, in 24 hours has done much to bring people into communication with God who have not done so in quite some time.
Asher is showing me what it looks like to be an intercessor. I believe that through his suffering, much will be accomplished for The Glory of God whichever way it all goes. To intercede is to suffer to one extent or another. To Love is to lay down your life for the benefit of another. It's what every loving mother does when she breast feeds her child and stays at home, dedicating her life to raising up and nourishing the next generation of young men and women. It's what Christ did for us when He stood in the gap between us and our sins and took the full brunt of the consiquences all to make a way for us to approach the One, The Father that so longs to know us and to be with us and to Love us.
I see Asher fulfilling this purpose. I believe that all suffering has value and that many times in life we waste it wallowing in our self pity instead of baring it like a cross and seeing the victory over death that Christ seeks to work in us as His representatives. Dietrich Bonhoffer said that The Spirit of Life isn't that which avoids death but that which can pass through death and remain victorious (massive paraphrasing). Instead of wasting our suffering we should know that we are not alone, that Christ is also aquainted with suffering. He applied it to our account so that we could be free from all the effects of sin and death. In this same way let us not waste our suffering but seek to comfort others as Christ also comforts us with it. The world is full of those who are suffering and they all need a comforter and there is no other god in history that I am aware of that knows what it is to suffer. However Christ knows and he has shown us the way to take suffering and turn it into redemption and to use it to bring hope and salvation to others.
Well enough rambling for one night. You have all witnessed one of the states of mind in which I abide during this intense time. It varies and goes up and down. It goes from this to just weeping to living as if it were an average day. It's quite the emotional rollercoaster but God will get His Glory out of this I am sure. He makes all things work together for our good and He alone is trustworthy with my heart.
So on that note good night. It's 8 minutes after midnight and we are going to go see and pray for Asher once more before retiring for the night and getting some much needed rest that we may start afresh tonorrow to fight this good fight yet another day.
Blessings in Jesus' Name